Hey........the boss is home.....we are all so happy. Not sure when his chemo starts but his birthday is Monday so do call him. I had visions of champagne at the Opera House but we are doing plan B: Green Tea on the veranda. 

Rich continues to keep normal temps and has good energy for a guy who has been locked up for five days. Today I was given a little practical session on how to administer the antibiotic through the picc line. Wow...so many little steps and much wiping with alcohol. Overall, I think we did ok. Rich needs another day in the hospital to eat more solid foods then he should be home on Wednesday. Yeah.

I think the plan is to have chemo within the next week and see how the tumor looks after that. The antibiotics will run for 4 weeks. Good. Suz is ready to join the rest of us.....it will be a nice reunion.

Dr. Maldini

Today was a good day. Rich met with the surgeon Dr. Maldini, this guy is from Italy and has a real personality). He read the CT scan a little different than the rest and is very proactive in development treatment. I didn't meet this doc but one of his young padawan learners, Dr. Lu. She showed me the CT scan Straub did and it was amazing to see it from start to finish. They have a refreshing attitude. wow. 

 Rich may be coming home by Tuesday. I will be on board to give  him IV antibiotics so he doesn't have to run to the hospital every day. The infection control doc is probably going to keep Rich on an antibiotic for four weeks. If he doesn't get an infection the first week home we can start chemo. If the tumor shrinks Dr. Maldini will/can do the Whipple procedure if it's small enough. The gallbladder is very inflamed. They don't want to do two surgeries due to adhesion issues so they are looking at ways to keep the gallbladder 'happy'. Rich is on a clear liquid diet and very hungry. There is another procedure to relieve pressure off the gallbladder...basically putting a drainage tube in the gallbladder and out of the body. Worst case scenario they will just take out the gallbladder. Rich is in excellent spirits, physically moving and just wants to eat!

Thanks for all your prayers.......it's an Army of believers asking for the miracle. Amen.

The trip to Australia is going to be rescheduled. I am cancelling all the old stuff and will reschedule when we can go. Our train pass is good for three months so............I am believing we will make it before that date.

Still at Straub

When I got to Straub yesterday, Diana was already there with lots of updates. wow. The docs found a blockage in Rich's gall bladder, which appeared to be the source of the infection. They said they would make a decision to remove the whole gall bladder or just the block part and surgery would be today or tomorrow. Nothing happened. Finally, around 6 pm we asked the nurse to see what was the follow up of that conversation. The doc's notes said that Rich would have a consult with the surgeon tomorrow.  Rich is receiving round the clock antibiotics and feels good, looks good. Andrew and Suzanne were there in the late afternoon. They have been faithful visitors. Creighton also blessed Rich with a visit. There was an opportunity to pray with one of the nurses.

I had truly hoped we would be in Australia for his 60th birthday. We have tickets for Nov. 1st but if he isn't d/c' from Straub and clear of this infection........we will have to do a Hawaiian party instead. Bummer.

Another day at Straub

Rich has developed a blood infection. We all guessed this was from the insertion of his new picc line. Thursday around noon our fav nurse, Tracey, called Rich to tell him to get to the hospital immediately as he has this infection. Kurt came to see Rich the same time I did and the Lord put it on our heart to ask for all that we wanted from Him. We started with the usual stuff like" remove the picc line and kill the cancer" then Kurt started to ask for new knees, eyes, etc. Cool........have it all. 

The good new, around 3 they removed the picc line. The CT scan did not show any conclusive evidence of where this infection started. We are praying for strength for Rich and now that his body isn't being compromised, it should happen fast. The infection control doc came by yesterday and told him that going to Australia isn't a good idea.  He claimed his healing. Walking it out is the hard part. Straub wants to keep a close eye on him to see if this infection grows, dies, whatevers. I see him so stuck there. Fortunately he has WiFi and can entertain himself with his Ipad. I am doing a little yard work this morning (Saturday the 27th) for the tenting next week and then will spend the day with him. Andrew spends his evenings with his dad. This guy has matured to be a man. It's amazing to see him and his decision making. Wow. Suz will be back on island Nov. 14th. How sweet that will be for all of us but especially for Rich.

Piss and Fury

I think we can all agree when hours are spent in automobiles really good talks happen. The radio gets boring as does the scenery, and stuff gets real.

One of the best things my father has ever told me is that I, like him when he was in his 20's, am full of piss & vinegar. Isn't that so great? It is the most appropriate wording ever.

I'm Mad. At. Everything. I hate injustice, ignorance, closed mindedness, Democrats and Republicans and I'm going to tell you allllllllll about it.

My sweet Papa has always been wise. I give him so much crap, but I know he is one of the most thoughtful and insightful men I know. He speaks into my life so clearly it blows me away. I haven't, however, always felt like he has related to me much. I suppose this is normal, as there is a nearly 40 year age gap between us and he is male. But in that magic moment, I felt like he just GOT IT. Which is such a good feeling, you know?

Today, I am not full so much of vinegar as utter fury. Scream at the top of your lungs punch the floor until your fists bled fury.

I know there are competent medical workers in the state of Hawaii, but Richard Stercho has not been treated by many. A hugely misread CT scan, endless poor/lagging/unapologetically bad treatment, and now, bacteremia. BACTEREMIA. He needed more things trying to kill him, right? Not that this is necessarily all their fault (the infection could have come from his gut), but I'm just pissed. Pissed and vinegared.

So now, chemo and Australia are up in the air, and I feel like the idiot daughter who stayed in school and is a helplessly 3500 miles away.

I thought this whole mess would just be sad. I never imagined it would be so hard to manage and make decisions about; or so exhausting and frustrating. I thought we would make a plan and it would go off without a hitch. But cancer, like humans, always surprise you.

So there you have it, today was the pits. In the midst of it all though, he keeps trusting and hoping and smiling.

And also. This exists. So. I can't be mad for too long.

Suz

It was the night before chemo and all through the house...

We had a rough night last night. When I got home I saw Aimee getting Rich into the car to take him to ER. He had a fever, chills, clammy skin, and sever stomach pains. That was about 6:30. Aimee came with us to Pali Momi and what a God send that was! We did need a w/c for Rich at the ER, so Aimee could park the car while we registered. The staff were impressive. Because of the level of pain, Rich did not have to wait long to see a doc. Weird part is all the testing came back 'normal'. Not sure what that was all about. Blood, EKG, and Xray were good. We were home by ten and pretty much fell into bed. Rich felt better about 30 minutes after we got to ER.

Tomorrow is our big day. Looking forward to starting this process. Rich is very uncertain about the effects of the chemo but is ready to get started. We got this diagnosis Oct 1st. It seems like years have passed before our eyes. Lord, we are trusting in you for all of it......amen.

First visit with Straub Oncologist

Yesterday was a big day. We had a 9:30 appointment with the doc. Long story short, they are doing everything to help us get some chemo and make that flight to Australia Nov 1st. At first they wanted us to postpone our trip but our gut reactions was to go....so an angel appeared by the name of Tracie. She is a tall haolie supervisor nurse who talks fast and works fast. Awesome. She sat us down and went over everything from how this cocktail of folfirinox works and all the side affects. How chemo is scheduled and what to do if... Doc would like a pet scan before treatment begins if time allows. First chemo starts on Thursday at Pali Momi. So grateful they could do it there. Six hours there then we come home with a fanny pack full of chemo and the treatment continues at home. On Sat Rich goes back to Pali Momi, they take the fanny pack and we will do this again after we get home. No time to insert a port but for now put a picc line was placed in Rich's arm to administer the chemo. Rich went shopping at Whole Foods for some organic greens and I went to work. To bed by 9:30.

 Rich is still sleeping and I don't plan on waking him up anytime soon. The doc is giving him a booster shot the Sunday before we leave as to help his immune system for our trip. 

Our trip will be simple. A few days at Sydney to do the tourist stuff, then to catch a train for Ayers Rock. No need to see the beaches, we have our own thank you. We have pretty good train passes so as time allows, we will see what we can.

From Margie:
Rich got home Thursday night...10-18. He had good energy for a guy who was up for 20 hrs or so. Rich has been getting good rest, we are working on the macrobiotic diet and finding good organic things we need, and getting back to routine stuff he likes to do. Tomorrow we meet the Oncologist at Straub Hospital. We are praying that there are no issues following the directives from  JHH and that he can start chemo in a relatively quick period. We have alot to learn. But we have such a 'cloud of witnesses' surrounding us, helping us, encouraging us. In this we give thanks. Jesus is so concerned with our relationships. Especially those in the body of Christ. We are committed to make the most of those relationships we see face to face every day.

We fly 'out of here' Nov 1-15. It will be a real relaxing time and so good for both of us. Our days are busy, maybe too busy. Rich is at church now ministering with the prayer team. I am waiting for Carlo to come and trim the kukui tree in the front yard. The word I felt the Lord give me was to 'make all things new'........so I am painting, clipping, whatevers to bring life to this house. The termite guy will be selected soon so out with the critters!! The roof will come next but one adventure at a time!
ttyl

A Day In The Life

Having a morbid sense of humor is a very effective way to cope with stress and tragedy. For some people. The only problem is that other, saner people will hear you and assume you're a terrible person because "What decent person would make jokes about metastasized cancer?"

The average life expectancy on this planet since people were invented has been, well, I'm not sure, but certainly no higher than 40. To have survived childbirth, made it through your toddler years, completed all of your schooling without being claimed by the Black Plague or syphilis or something equally menacing like strep throat, then having married, conceived and raised two children (who also successfully evaded the Plague (so far)), moved 5,000 miles to a winter-free paradise and traveled around the world is a phenomenally impressive and lucky run for a puny human.

Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die, because life has a lot of fun moments that can still be found when people are reminded of life's brevity. I'm going to die regardless of whether or not a truck runs over me tomorrow or a honey badger mauls me in my sleep. Just because dad might not be around for long doesn't mean that we can't sit around mindlessly watching college football or that I have to feel guilty yelling at him for spoiling another Law and Order ending. He's been a spectacular husband, father and person, and he deserves to laugh and have fun times with the people he enjoys. Being gloomy around people who need to feel love is selfish, so why not have a laugh about Ted the Tumor? (Yes, it has a name. And its name has alliteration.)

On the other hand, if anyone sees him eating french fries, breaded chicken, or cheese sticks, slap it out of his hand and tell him that an angel dies every time he eats consumes preservatives.

Daddy-Daughter Adventure Week

As soon as I got back to school I realized the immense amount of work I have before me, so I'm not going to write too much. I mostly just want to share a few images of our trip.

It was a magic time of suspended reality. There weren't many tears, we just played in big cities and forget everything that was going on for awhile.

So here we go, our little adventure.

Outside in Easton, MD

At the beloved Claudio's in Philadelphia

Some of the Haas clan in Philly

In the town my parents first lived in when they were married

The property I was born on, there used to be a house attached to that garage

My sweet Aunt's surprised my dad

Heading up to the lake

Current favorite picture ever!!

The Malones

Johns Hopkins Jesus. People write notes and leave flowers at his feet

He was so over photos. In the Smithsonian at the butterfly exhibit

The Washington Monument

He taught me to be a drum major for justice. Love this man. 

Hello Honolulu

Just got a flight for Rich on Thursday. We are having JHH fax over his records to a local oncologist to review. Hopefully this doc can pickup Rich as a patient. Rich had another great day in DC. Such sweet memories. 

I'm keeping the blue......you guys can pick out different colors. 
good night sweet friends/family.

Rich had his blood test at JH yesterday. His bilirubin is in the 'normal' range so now he can start chemo. Thank you for the prayer. This was a huge issue for us because if the bilirubin was high, he would need another procedure ...taking up more time. When he finds a doc in Honolulu he will be good to go. Suz and Rich have much to write on their adventures ...and the Lord knows, they have had plenty so I will not address those things. Rich is feeling so good. His sides do not hurt anymore and he continues with good sleep, eat, etc etc. We are praying on how to tell his mom what's going on. Please pray with us. He could easily stop by and tell her, but he needs to come home and find a doc who can work with the JH docs.  I hope the next entry comes from the East Coast.

Greetings From the East

After an incredibly stressful airport experience (you bet I cried to a pilot to try to get on a flight), I got to my Papa. And I cried and cried some more. I realized how much of the sadness and frustration I've been feeling was just being away from him. He is in fact, in great spirits. He looks good, he has some pep, he is eating more nutritiously than normal and trying to sleep more. We talked a lot about what happens next, dropping out of school, Australia, Las Vegas, living and dying. The whole she-bang.

I spent all my food and gas money on a fancy camera and it was TOTALLY worth it (but feel free to give me food and gas). I filmed so many great stories and captured so many Papa quirks. And got some beautiful pictures. I'll post um when we get to our perspective homes.

We traveled through our lives. We transversed Pennsylvania, shared our love for cheese and bridges, and laughed our asses off along the way. We talked about how much things have changed, what these places we used to love so much mean to us now. We talked about marriage and important things in life and how to treat people. What makes him happy and sad about how he raised us, what should have been done differently. I learned a lot. About him and about myself and how to be a good human in general.

So many beautiful moments with beautiful people filled this little trip. More on that in a later blog.

We came to some decisions and still have some to come up with. Here we go.

He does treatment, and we start ASAP. A round before my parents leave for Australia hopefully. We need to find an oncologist in Hawaii who is willing to go along with the plan that my family/ the team at Hopkins agree upon.

I'm gonna stay in school. We are all split up right now but thats just how it is. I got some time with him, my brother gets time with him, my Mom gets Australia with him. I come home for Thanksgiving, and we meet in Vegas in December. It all works out. If the plan needs to change, it will.

We will hope for the best and trust God even if it is the worst. Whatever happens, we are ready to accept it.

Tomorrow we explore Washington DC, we made that plan about 20 minutes ago. Living in the moment and eating all the sharp provolone on earth. That's the Stercho way.

Suz

P.S. My Dad still hasn't told his Mom what's up, he has to decided when and how. So keep that under wraps please!

Suzanna wants to write about their adventure today so I will only say, they sound like they had a good time. 

Everyone at church asked about Rich and were very loving when asking. I wasn't feeling weird or overwhelmed. The prayer support has been awesome. Sosososososo grateful. Thanks to you all. i hope Suz can put some of her pictures in this blog. PA is very colorful this time of the year!

From the Man Himself

Well, Suz wants me to write something.  This is Rich, the one with the healed C word.  I’ve been praying against this thing, and I have had so many people praying for me that I truly feel to call this thing something that is dead and gone, even though it may still look alive.  Anyway, I’m here at my nephews house in Easton, MD, on the Eastern shore of Maryland, which is in striking distance of  Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, the best hospital in the USA when it comes to dealing with pancreatic cancer.  And I’m feeling pretty darned good, actually.  Loads of energy, lots of zip and a truly raging appetite.  But my daughter has me so limited in terms of what to eat.  I am doing my best to eat lots of fruits and vegetables to combat the disease, so  I am learning to eat smoothies made of unappetizing veggies.  But actually, I have been eating certain veggies all along anyway.  Spinach, beets, broccoli, kale, which we’ve long ago started growing in our garden, are going into our smoothies.  I’m committed to eating healthy, and completely changing my diet.  

My friends on the prayer team at New Hope, Mililani have been praying on my behalf and have been covering me and my family in prayer for a while.  They started about a month ago, when my lower GI symptoms began to occur.  My friend Esa had the word ‘Pancreatic Cancer’ about two weeks before it was diagnosed, but she was just too shy to tell me.  Instead, in the presence of everyone else, she just said she had the word ‘pancreas’. It was just too hard to give me that word, and she apologized.  But the Lord also said ‘I will heal him’.  So that and a lot of other things, have my faith high.  So many people have received words about the illness, and clearly the Lord wants to heal it.  A friend of my friend Gary Abbott in Missouri who has a healing ministry has twice called me to pray.  He has miracles when he simply prays for people over the phone. 

Anyway, Suz has flown into Baltimore last night, Thursday, 10-11-12, and we’ve rented a car and will be driving up to Philly for a fun day.  Bear Creek possibly too.  Then Monday back for a blood test.  That will determine the future of treatment, but I’m already healed in the Spirit.   I truly believe I will receive a complete manifestation of healing.  Anyway, pray for me, family and especially my mom, whom I’m going to have to call and visit with.  I’m hoping my brother can join me.  Thanks for your prayers.  More to come later. 

Suz and Rich will have a good weekend adventure in PA. They aren't sure what they will do, they don't care. Good.I skyped with Rich this morning and he looks good... eat, sleep, emotions are all good. Stacie told us he can get a blood test from anywhere as they can faxed the results to JH. That will free up the road trip a bit Suz and Rich.

Thinking of Andrew this morning. He has grown to be quite a lovely man. Sensitive, funny, caring. He wants to know when Dad will be back. We all have that same question. Stacie thinks it would be safer for Rich to do his treatment here as there would be no airplanes and huge emotional support system. We see how that blood test comes out on Monday.
thanks.....

What a special day this is for Rich. Suzanna flew to Baltimore to spend some time with him. They are going on a road trip to Philly and maybe even the Poconos. Where ever is good. I had a special night too. Two sweet sisters came and brought dinner. Mona and Esa have become so very special to Rich.....not to mention the other members in the prayer team like Kurt, Diana, etc etc. It's a wonderful thing to be real with people. Rich has a beautiful relationship with this special team. Only God can orchestrate something so lovely. It was wonderful fellowship, just right.

Well Suz........have fun with Dad this weekend. You guys should be eating Gino's or Pat's Steaks soon. I will try to NOT be envious. Good night ......sweet friends.

We went to Africa in September 2010. It was an amazing moment as we got to see our daughter working on the mission field. Wow. It is so delightful to have adult children. We have always loved them but something special happens when they mature......you see fruitful lives and adventures and decisions. We are very proud of our kids in that they pursue life in good ways.

Rich will stay in Baltimore for a week. On Monday he will have a blood test to check his bilirubin levels. If it is normal they can start chemo right away. If not, they will want to do a procedure to place another stent in that area to help it drain better. Right now Stacie and Rich are checking out clinical trials in certain states. Rich wants the most proactive approach he can get. He also has committed to change his diet so that is wonderful. Eating organic foods and letting his body rest in digestion. He is in a win win situation. As a Christian.....we are going to live forever with Christ. So pray that the Lord shows them the best place to go. I don't mind having a Chemo Deployment for awhile. My military families have deployments all the time so..I can do one too.

We (Rich, Andrew and I) had a time this past Saturday at the golf range...shooting at the driving range. I have not tried this in 39 years. It was so bad that I never wanted to repeat it. Andrew did well, Rich did well and I got better. He was so happy to be together at the range. Kurt would have laughed at us big time. We were aiming for the guy driving the buggy picking up balls.

We leave in 21 days for Australia. I know God has specific adventures for us there. It will be a time of grace. Deep joy, sweet moments, laughter. I am trying to get excited for it all. We have another trip planned in Dec for Las Vegas. We won that one.......as a Lucky 7 team in the Great Aloha Run. God is so good, He gives us stuff we never deserve. We don't 'deserve' these vacations but He has given them to us. Wow, how cool is that.

Love you guys.......I can not say this enough....we FEEL your prayers. Awesome!!!

A Matter of Months, Feeling Insane, and Family

The reality is, sans a miracle (which is deeply hoped for), this man (seen here in his uniform of a tank top and short athletic shorts) will only be on this earth 3-6 months longer. That is what they predict with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Isn't that sad? Really. Isn't the normal response to this to cry a lot and be sad?  And maybe hug people too long and cry in your bathtub? Apparently not. As seen by my father comforting me and telling me to be at peace. As I sob into oblivion, he reminds me everything will be okay in the end. That I am too sad.

What? 

Luckily, everyone else has been crying with me proving that he is abnormally zen. He trusts. He hopes. No matter what the outcome. He is so damn admirable and amazing. I am so excited I get to hug him in a matter of days! Thats right! I'm getting out of the confusing weather wonderland that is Colorado, and following my Papa wherever he goes. If he has months, I am going to be in them. I love school, and it will be here whenever I am ready to come back. He just means infinitely more than tests or projects or money.

Which brings me to my last point, a highly emotional one. Family. I love my nuclear family and they mean the world to me. Father mother brother sister. Stable important people that have always been there. But honestly, I have never really gotten extended family. I have always dreaded the conversations I have had with serious boyfriends about family stuff. I would always just shrug. I never grew up around my aunts and uncles and cousins. A couple times a year, tops. I didn't get it.

But I get it now. I get that family really takes care of each other when they need it and is always there. My incredibly brilliant Aunt Stacie has taken it upon herself to be with my Dad through the whole experience at Johns Hopkins. Where he would have been painfully alone, she drove from Georgia (Google Map that, it ain't pretty) to be with him through every appointment. AND she has also become insanely aware of his specific disease pathophysiology and prognosis, ANNNNNNND she has kept me entirely informed (like, minute by minute which is keeping me sane). Some family is weird and argumentative. But some family is Aunt Stacie. Reliable and awesome. 

We are also all taking joy in the little things. Like some lady paying for my dad to be in the sky lounge on his flight to Baltimore. Or my Mom's awesome boss. Or the one Asian child in all of Fort Collins smiling and waving at me at the end of my run yesterday. Sweet Yahweh loves us. Even if we can only see it in the small stuff right now.  

Love,

Suz

My friend Aimee stayed with me while we Skype with Rich, Stacie and the JH doc's . First came the surgeon, then the oncologist.

We are not going to Baltimore. The tumor is too big and has spread to 4 areas in the liver. Interesting enough the CT scan at Queens was not this clear. They are calling it Stage 4 and recommending chemo. The surgeon said that the operation would not change the outlook and would be dangerous to operate. Then the oncologist came on and gave his thoughts about chemo. I am leaving that up to Rich to decide. My thoughts are I want him home with friends, family, and church support. But it's not my life and I get it.

There are clinical trials that may be appropriately later. Right now Rich's status is not suitable for most of the trials out there. Rich's initial reaction is so good....his text read "hey, it looks like it's confined to only two areas". Right on.

We definitely need a miracle........and that's ok. We always pray for the Lord's will to be done and we can rest in Him.  We will continue with a grateful heart, and expecting all that He has for us.

I will Skype with Rich at noon (in an hour) and he will tell me his game plan. He may be staying for a week to  see how his blood work looks. The doc felt we should do our scheduled vacations and let the chemo revolve around them. Amen, I agree with that.

Thanks to all for you kind words, prayers (we really do feel the peace).

Later, gator.

Hello Baltimore!

As I type this Rich is in Baltimore getting new ct scans and other testing. His sister Stacie is at his side keeping him moving from one test to another. His real meeting is at 12:30. I hope to write later that we all are going to Baltimore. In such a short time things have really shaped up. Rich is in good spirits and has lots of energy. Will write later as to the outcome of this meeting...thanks for caring.......Margie

Rich is on his way to Baltimore. His sister Stacie will meet him there and they will go to
'the meeting' together.

We need to mention that there is one person who can not know what is going on and that is Rich's mom. She is 92 years old and this information would send her to another place. So to our fb friends in PA, please don't let her know what's going on with Rich.

Special thanks to all who did the last day visit with Rich. He loved those visits. Andrew and Susanne (his girlfriend) were kind enough to spend the weekend with us and cooked wonderful meals. Shoots...very special. We do 'feel the love'.

Today is pumpkin patch day for me. Most of my kiddo's will be there with their families. This is very special for me as I may be leaving this week for Baltimore as well. So grateful.

Good morning.

I asked Suz to set this up as it will be an easy way for people to know what is going on with Rich.

He came home on Thursday after being discharged from Queens. There was very little help they could provide and so the door opened for a plan B. We are so thankful for plan B. Rich leaves tonight (Sunday) and will meet with the team at JH (Johns Hopkins) on Tuesday.

If they deem him a good candidate, they will schedule surgery to remove the tumor. At this point we will all fly to Baltimore. I can't describe the love and tenderness that has come our way.......it is almost overwhelming.

Rich and I are in a state of grace. We pray for the day and the Lord gracefully takes us through it. I had to tell my families I may be off island for awhile and they were so supportive. Our friends and church family are most supportive also. Rich is basking in love and tenderness. It's awesome to see this!!

We named the tumor 'Ted'. Since it is a part of our lives we felt we needed to give it a name. We are trying to starve Ted with a good alkaline diet. Hoping to get really good with a macrobiotic diet. Pray for us.....bye bye butter, dairy, meat, BREAD....all those good things, not to mention cookies.

Next note will let you know if they can do the Whipple or not. Thank you for the love, we know there is purpose in this journey and we are determined to see it through. My husband has NEVER gone through a physical trial with such peace. It is amazing............(gotta use my dots......sorry).

A Prologue

It is said that the true character of a person is revealed in periods of stress. If this is the case my father is endlessly joyful and optimistic. My mother is strong and reasonable. My brother is kind and hilarious. And I drink all the wine and cry so much my eyes crust over. All this to say, after being yellow for a week, an ultrasound, a CT scan, and an ERCP, my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. There is a tennis ball sized mass living in his pancreas that has been growing for approximately 8 months. It has grown extremely quickly, as these things often do. If you have ever heard anything about pancreatic cancer, you know already it has one of the worst outcomes. It kills you, and it kills you quickly (for fellow nerds, the 1 and 5 year survival rates are 20% and 5%).

We, my brother, mother, father and I, have been lucky enough to have a pretty wonderful family. We make each other laugh until we pee, say 'I love you', give each other hugs, and tell each other the truth even when its hard to hear. We have seen each other through some pretty tough stuff. But this is a new ball game. This is the C word.

The good news is, as indicated above, everyone is dealing with it pretty well. Facing prognosis and planning accordingly. I am going crazy. CRAZY. being 3500 miles away, but otherwise it just looks like a family who cares for each other a lot going through something atrocious. I am angry, and everyone is very sad, but even in the midst of it all, capable (only God knows how) of having some perspective. I realize what a wonderful man this is, the kindest of them all, who taught my brother and I that we are valuable and deeply loved, that we can make mistakes and be forgiven and move on from them, and, equally important, how to check if the oil in our cars are running low. He roots for people. All people. And his presence on this earth is a blessing.

The most devastating part of all this for me is the perspective of walking down the aisle without him beside me. Raising babies that will never know his huge love or hugs, or his calm, gentle voice that really makes you believe everything will be okay. I don't have a silver lining to that one yet. I probably never will. But I know nothing is ever promised in this life. And I have been given the gift of a fantastic dad. He truly saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life and saw me through the most painful and terrifying trial I've ever faced. I am grateful for every second with him, and pray for many more. Pray with me please.

The purpose of this blog is to keep you posted on our journey, mostly his journey, down this road. We want absolutely everyone in the loop that wants to be, but also want to spend all the time we can together and not making phone calls. We feel your love big time. And we are so thankful for it.

Over and out

Suzanna